Fantastic Fables
BY
Ambrose Bierce
1899 Edition


The Return of the Representative
A Statesman
Two Dogs
Three Recruits
The Mirror
Saint and Sinner
An Antidote
A Weary Echo
The Ingenious Blackmailer

The Return of the Representative

HEARING that the Legislature had adjourned, the people of an Assembly District held a mass-meeting to devise a suitable punishment for their representative. By one speaker it was proposed that he be disembowelled, by another that he be made to run the gauntlet. Some favoured hanging, some thought that it would do him good to appear in a suit of tar and feathers. An old man, famous for his wisdom and his habit of drooling on his shirt- front, suggested that they first catch their hare. So the Chairman appointed a committee to watch for the victim at midnight, and take him as he should attempt to sneak into town across-lots from the tamarack swamp. At this point in the proceedings they were interrupted by the sound of a brass band. Their dishonoured representative was driving up from the railway station in a coach- and-four, with music and a banner. A few moments later he entered the hall, went upon the platform, and said it was the proudest moment of his life. (Cheers.)

A Statesman

A STATESMAN who attended a meeting of a Chamber of Commerce rose to speak, but was objected to on the ground that he had nothing to do with commerce.

"Mr. Chairman," said an Aged Member, rising, "I conceive that the objection is not well taken; the gentleman's connection with commerce is close and intimate. He is a Commodity."

Two Dogs

THE Dog, as created, had a rigid tail, but after some centuries of a cheerless existence, unappreciated by Man, who made him work for his living, he implored the Creator to endow him with a wag. This being done he was able to dissemble his resentment with a sign of affection, and the earth was his and the fulness thereof. Observing this, the Politician (an animal created later) petitioned that a wag might be given him too. As he was incaudate it was conferred upon his chin, which he now wags with great profit and gratification except when he is at his meals.

Three Recruits

A FARMER, an Artisan, and a Labourer went to the King of their country and complained that they were compelled to support a large standing army of mere consumers, who did nothing for their keep.

"Very well," said the King, "my subjects' wishes are the highest law."

So he disbanded his army and the consumers became producers also. The sale of their products so brought down prices that farming was ruined, and their skilled and unskilled labour drove the artisans and labourers into the almshouses and highways. In a few years the national distress was so great that the Farmer, the Artisan, and the Labourer petitioned the King to reorganize the standing army.

"What!" said the King; "you wish to support those idle consumers again?"

"No, your Majesty," they replied - "we wish to enlist."

The Mirror

A SILKEN-EARED Spaniel, who traced his descent from King Charles the Second of England, chanced to look into a mirror which was leaning against the wainscoting of a room on the ground floor of his mistress's house. Seeing his reflection, he supposed it to be another dog, outside, and said:

"I can chew up any such milksoppy pup as that, and I will."

So he ran out-of-doors and around to the side of the house where he fancied the enemy was. It so happened that at that moment a Bulldog sat there sunning his teeth. The Spaniel stopped short in dire consternation, and, after regarding the Bulldog a moment from a safe distance, said:

"I don't know whether you cultivate the arts of peace or your flag is flung to the battle and the breeze and your voice is for war. If you are a civilian, the windows of this house flatter you worse than a newspaper, but if you're a soldier, they do you a grave injustice."

This speech being unintelligible to the Bulldog he only civilly smiled, which so terrified the Spaniel that he dropped dead in his tracks.

Saint and Sinner

"MY friend," said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army, to a Most Wicked Sinner, "I was once a drunkard, a thief, an assassin. The Divine Grace has made me what I am."

The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot. "Henceforth," he said, "the Divine Grace, I fancy, will let well enough alone."

An Antidote

A YOUNG Ostrich came to its Mother, groaning with pain and with its wings tightly crossed upon its stomach.

"What have you been eating?" the Mother asked, with solicitude.

"Nothing but a keg of Nails," was the reply.

"What!" exclaimed the Mother; "a whole keg of Nails, at your age! Why, you will kill yourself that way. Go quickly, my child, and swallow a claw-hammer."

A Weary Echo

A CONVENTION of female writers, which for two days had been stuffing Woman's couch with goose-quills and hailing the down of a new era, adjourned with unabated enthusiasm, shouting, "Place aux dames!" And Echo wearily replied, "Oh, damn."

The Ingenious Blackmailer

AN Inventor went to a King and was granted an audience, when the following conversation ensued:

INVENTOR. - "May it please your Majesty, I have invented a rifle that discharges lightning."

KING. - "Ah, you wish to sell me the secret."

INVENTOR. - "Yes; it will enable your army to overrun any nation that is accessible."

KING. - "In order to get any good of my outlay for your invention, I must make a war, and do so as soon as I can arm my troops - before your secret is discovered by foreign nations. How much do you want?"

INVENTOR. - "One million dollars."

KING. - "And how much will it cost to make the change of arms?"

INVENTOR. - "Fifty millions."

KING. - "And the war will Cost - ?"

INVENTOR. - "But consider the glory and the spoils!"

KING. - "Exactly. But if I am not seeking these advantages? What if I decline to purchase?"

INVENTOR. - "There is no economy in that. Though a patriot, I am poor; if my own country will not patronise me, I must seek a market elsewhere."

KING (to Prime Minister). - "Take this blackmailer and cut off his head."


Six and One
The Sportsman and the Squirrel
The Fogy and the Sheik
At Heaven's Gate
The Catted Anarchist
The Honourable Member
The Expatriated Boss
An Inadequate Fee
The Judge and the Plaintiff

A Talisman
The Ancient Order
A Fatal Disorder
The Massacre
A Ship and a Man
Congress and the People
The Justice and His Accuser
The Highwayman and the Traveller
The Policeman and the Citizen
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