Fantastic Fables
BY
Ambrose Bierce
1899 Edition


The Appropriate Memorial
A Needless Labour
A Flourishing Industry
The Self-Made Monkey
The Patriot and the Banker
The Mourning Brothers
The Disinterested Arbiter
The Thief and the Honest Man
The Dutiful Son

The Appropriate Memorial

A HIGH Public Functionary having died, the citizens of his town held a meeting to consider how to honour his memory, and an Other High Public Functionary rose and addressed the meeting.

"Mr. Chairman and Gintlemen," said the Other, "it sames to me, and I'm hopin' yez wull approve the suggistion, that an appropriet way to honour the mimory of the decaised would be to erect an emolument sootably inscribed wid his vartues."

The soul of the great man looked down from Heaven and wept.

A Needless Labour

AFTER waiting many a weary day to revenge himself upon a Lion for some unconsidered manifestation of contempt, a Skunk finally saw him coming, and posting himself in the path ahead uttered the inaudible discord of his race. Observing that the Lion gave no attention to the matter, the Skunk, keeping carefully out of reach, said:

"Sir, I beg leave to point out that I have set on foot an implacable odour."

"My dear fellow," the Lion replied, "you have taken a needless trouble; I already knew that you were a Skunk."

A Flourishing Industry

"ARE the industries of this country in a flourishing condition?" asked a Traveller from a Foreign Land of the first man he met in America.

"Splendid!" said the Man. "I have more orders than I can fill."

"What is your business?" the Traveller from a Foreign Land inquired.

The Man replied, "I make boxing-gloves for the tongues of pugilists."

The Self-Made Monkey

A MAN of humble birth and no breading, who held a high political office, was passing through a forest, when he met a Monkey.

"I take it you are one of my constituents," the Man said.

"No," replied the Monkey; "but I will support you if you can urge a valid claim to my approval."

"I am a self-made man," said the other, proudly.

"That is nothing," the Monkey said. And going to a bigger pine, he rose by his own unaided exertions to the top branch, where he sat, all bedaubed with the pitch which that vegetable exudes. "Now," he added, "I am a self-made Monkey."

The Patriot and the Banker

A PATRIOT who had taken office poor and retired rich was introduced at a bank where he desired to open an account.

"With pleasure," said the Honest Banker; "we shall be glad to do business with you; but first you must make yourself an honest man by restoring what you stole from the Government."

"Good heavens!" cried the Patriot; "if I do that, I shall have nothing to deposit with you."

"I don't see that," the Honest Banker replied. "We are not the whole American people."

"Ah, I understand," said the Patriot, musing. "At what sum do you estimate this bank's proportion of the country's loss by me?"

"About a dollar," answered the Honest Banker.

And with a proud consciousness of serving his country wisely and well he charged that sum to the account.

The Mourning Brothers

OBSERVING that he was about to die, an Old Man called his two Sons to his bedside and expounded the situation.

"My children," said he, "you have not shown me many marks of respect during my life, but you will attest your sorrow for my death. To him who the longer wears a weed upon his hat in memory of me shall go my entire fortune. I have made a will to that effect."

So when the Old Man was dead each of the youths put a weed upon his hat and wore it until he was himself old, when, seeing that neither would give in, they agreed that the younger should leave off his weeds and the elder give him half of the estate. But when the elder applied for the property he found that there had been an Executor!

Thus were hypocrisy and obstinacy fitly punished.

The Disinterested Arbiter

TWO Dogs who had been fighting for a bone, without advantage to either, referred their dispute to a Sheep. The Sheep patiently heard their statements, then flung the bone into a pond.

"Why did you do that?" said the Dogs.

"Because," replied the Sheep, "I am a vegetarian."

The Thief and the Honest Man

A THIEF who had brought a suit against his accomplices to recover his share of the plunder taken from an Honest Man, demanded the Honest Man's attendance at the trial to testify to his loss. But the Honest Man explained that as he was merely the agent of a company of other honest men it was none of his affair; and when the officers came to serve him with a subpoena he hid himself behind his back and wiled away the dragging hours of retirement and inaction by picking his own pockets.

The Dutiful Son

A MILLIONAIRE who had gone to an almshouse to visit his father met a Neighbour there, who was greatly surprised.

"What!" said the Neighbour, "you do sometimes visit your father?"

"If our situations were reversed," said the Millionaire, "I am sure he would visit me. The old man has always been rather proud of me. Besides," he added, softly, "I had to have his signature; I am insuring his life."


The Life-Saver
The Man and the Bird
From the Minutes
Three of a Kind
The Fabulist and the Animals
A Revivalist Revived
The Debaters
Two of the Pious
The Desperate Object
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